such was my heart

Vulnerable, was my heart

when you so knocked on my door.

I'm not ready said my head,

but my heart let you in.

Into my home, into my skin.

Detached and in shambles,

you promised a brighter future..

a new home together.

In love again and the hatred washed away.

In love was my heart,

In life I was happy.

But it didn't take long

for you to break it all down.

Burned to the ground.

Destroyed was my heart.

And it took me some time

to build my home back up.

An ongoing struggle,

a full time agony.

And now I've grown strong,

but I won't be for long.

Weak was my heart

and I gave into the dust.

To feel something other than pain.

When all I need is to trust..

In myself-

not you or the others.

for I will never be vulnerable again.

Hatred overbears any sort of love.

Makes me strong for a short while..

But my fate knows I'm fucked.

Caving in yet again

what else can I do

when I say it's the last time,

I know that's not true.

I can lie to myself but never to you.

Empty was my heart,

high was my mind.

Trying to forget a love so unkind.

A temporary fix,

a beautiful sky.

They said it'd be quick

but I think I might cry.

Time and time again

I float in, I sink down.

Down to the bottom

of my deepest despair.

And you say that you care

but you can't help me up.

When all I need is a hand

and a little of your love.

To just get me through

another day of disgust.

To the world I was distant.

To my family, cold.

And myself, I was sold

on the good life, 

or so I was told.

Numb was my heart,

blank was my mind.

Where did it start?

What did I find?

It tore my life apart.

Though it never really was together.

But I was getting along,

I was humming my song.

And it didn't take long

for you to break it all down.

Burned to the ground.

And now all that surrounds me is hate.

I desire a blank page,
a clean slate,
a pure heart,
with you erased.

I wish you could blow away
like the leaves in the Fall.
Fall to the ground
and be stepped upon
by each passerby.
And decompose into the earth,
never to return.
Freeze in the Winter.
So cold just like your heart.

But the inevitable cycle continues.
You surface to the top
by Springtime's rain, and Summer's sun.

And there you are again.
This constant struggle to rid you from my brain,
circles back as the seasons change.

Life has a funny way of showing that everything's going to be okay.

I need ten thousand cigarettes
and ten thousand glasses of wine
and ten thousand opiates
and ten thousand knives
to maybe get you off my mind.

"It scares me to death"
that you're still in my head.

How many more days of this,
because I can't take one more minute.
Get the fuck out.

Inside, you reside.

Somewhere inside my body,
lies that sunken, upset feeling.
Almost like a habitat in which you are dwelling.

No you do not give me those butterflies
nor that loving satisfaction.

Your presence has come to ache;
comes from the inside out,
and leaves me with physical pain.

Your exact location is still unknown,
but I seem to have a lead.

I feel it most strongly inside my heart;
where I said you'll always be.


And some days you venture
into the depths of my stomach,
making me ill.

Scratching at my insides
with your sharp blade-like fingernails.
Shouting at the top of your lungs,
"LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!"
that travels to my head.

Apple-throat.
You snip my vocal chords.
Words fail me now.
And silence becomes me.

You will never understand my suffering.
Though you are the sole provider.

Unknowingly hurting me every day.
When all I want is for you to vacate.
Tomorrow?

Ten Years

Ten years you said,
ten years I agreed.

Goodbye we said,
ten years we'll dread.

I still love you I said.
We can't you said.
You promised, I whispered,
in your ear so sweet.

I lost it you said.
That love is surely dead..
in my ear.. so sweet.

I cry, you laugh.
I scream, you ignore.
I love, you forget.
A promise un-kept.

thoughts on today

What do you want?
To be ignored?
Or do you want sympathy?
I give you attention,
you show no affection.
What the fuck do you need?
My shoulder?
Take my body, it's yours.
I don't want it anymore.
My soul?
you've had that for years..
My dreams, my thoughts...
is that what you want?
well I'm selling them by the dozen.
Aren't you lucky.
Nothing is ever enough.
Not for you.
I give you this, but you wanted that.
You guess it will do for now.
And it's almost as if you're saying,
"You know what? I'm going to pretend I care."

And I'm going to pretend I don't love you.
Fuck you.

The Definition of True Beauty

I wish to steal you away

from reality;

pause the world for just a day.

I wish to take you in my arms

like when we were kids.

When it actually felt like time was paused.

And we lived like we had stolen time.

You and I committed that crime.

But soon we were caught.

and they made us give it up.

We swore we wouldn't give up, because it meant so much.

and they made us pay.

Then years went by and we learned our lesson.

Forever paying for our childish obsession.

Of love.

And now we know the truth.

The truth we didn't want to believe in our youth.

Now we are damaged, look what they did to us.

Scared to fall, terrified to trust.

So we built up these walls,

tightened the hold,

clenched our fists,

afraid to unfold.

A love turned beastly,

but was it "them" who demolished it?

I'm not even sure there was a "them"

We fucked it up all on our own

and blamed it on time and miles of road.

But miles of regrets come crashing in.

Into my heart, and it makes me sing..

Of love

or what has become of love.

All hatred aside,

I still hold you above.

We should have fought for us.

We took it away from our very own selves.

Punishing you, punishing me,

we did that, that's the reality.

This pain, we feel in our throats and in our chests,

weighed down by pounds of regrets.

And to just forget all that, forget our past,

would be oh so simple..

If I didn't look back, if I didn't digress..

On every inch of that love, every moment we had.

You can forget, but I sure cannot.

because now I see what has become of us.

now I see what we were meant to be.

The definition of true beauty, you and me.

I am the sunrise.

You can go to sleep with the sunset,
but by nightfall she'll be gone.
And when the morning comes you'll see the sunrise,
and know I am the one.
I may not be as vivid as she,
but I can wake you up.
You'll hear the birds sing incessantly,
and I'll shower you with love.
Plant kisses on your lips and watch them bloom before your eyes.
The world will know of love when they see your hand clasp mine.
But deep down the sunset knows inside, she'll have to run and hide.
Because everyone knows you can't keep the sun from rising,
but in one fast swoop, the sea could swallow her in its tide.

Untitled

He remembers her soft kisses
and the way she smelled, he misses.
Two years passed by,
still he couldn't look his little girl in the eye.

Instead, staring down the bottle
of his life, gone to shit.
Everyday and every night,
asking,
"How did I end up like this?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
the little girl shouts.
But not a thought from his head
could escape through his mouth.

She cries for her mother,
He closes his eyes.
He dreams up some world,
where no one he loves dies.

She remembers her hands,
and how her hair was so long.
Two years passed by,
still she looked to the sky.
Never understanding
the hate from her father
and longs for his kisses..
he used to love her.

But that night they broke him.
Not a word from his lips,
not a hug did he give.
For his lover had fallen
to her unexpected death.
And he can't help but wish
that it was him instead,
and that it was his fault
his little girls mother is dead.

But she felt inside
that as well as her mother,
her father had died
from a dreadful night
of losing his lover.

Ten years passed by,
and they look to the sky.
All that wasted time,
and those sad sad years.
Can't bring her back,
but she only brings tears.

They remember her love
as they sit down for dinner.
She's growing up, he's getting older.
But the memories they share,
are as vivid as ever.

Now things have gotten better,
and in her eyes he does look.
For there was no one to blame
so they close that book.

They remember her kiss,
and the way she smelled
they do miss.

But they feel in their hearts
the love of a mother
and cherish the days
they have left together.

I live in you.

The elasticity of my catastrophe
is surely not a tragedy.
Some may think a mystery
But we're in our own,
               our very own galaxy.
Above the stars, I sing to you.
And with my heart, I know it's true.
Beyond the moon, I dance for you.
And in your heart, I live in you.

Another favorite..

Gave what I had- a heart; as the world went.
I gave what was worth a world;
for worlds could never
restore me those pure feelings, gone forever.

I love you in the morning..

I love you in the morning
I love you in your hotel bed.
the one you call home,
the place you lay your head.

I love you in the low light of night.
I love you when you fight..
yourself for saying the wrong words.

'cause darling words are meaningless
when all we have is this hotel bed,
the one we can call home for awhile,
the place where we can rest our heads.

I love you because there is no other life for me.
And honestly, I don't want there to be.
I love you because you refuse to love anyone other than me.

I love you in the morning,
I love you when it's pouring..
Rain.. It's falling and so am I.
Into your arms, so helpless am I.

I love you in the morning,
I love you in the night.
I love you because it feels so right.

Andrew

You're the only one who has ever made me weep because of how happy I felt.
..I could listen to you play piano all day.
..I can tell, that you play from your heart..
This is for you..


Your veins; connected like strings.
emotions travel to your fingertips
and press the keys with such delicate ease.

Then weight is lifted and the room feels lighter.
 As listeners gather, their eyes- brighter.

You make Winter less cold,
the hours, the weeks, the months less old.
Tastes brand new,
Touches with more feeling.
Problems are few, when the life that you knew
suddenly gained something worth meaning.

Kisses are sweeter, hugs- deeper.
Silence less awkward, a reason to move forward.

Sleeping is unbearable when I'm sleeping alone
when the closest I get to your breath is the phone.
Every nerve in my body quickly awakens;
when the movement of your fingertips slightly lengthen.

You reach for the keys and my heart skips a beat,
craving the sounds of your heart that pounds,
that connects to your veins that are tied to those keys,
Oh how lovely you are, how you give me this peace.

If only you knew the places I've gone.. the things that I've seen,
When your heart plays a song.

One of my favorites...

Love Sonnet XVII
by Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.




Wish I could write like him.
So beautiful.

I fucking miss him.

Wish you were here, or I was there.
I don't care where, it could be anywhere.
If I was with you, and you with me,
Oh how wonderful, how wonderful that would be.

Untitled

She hangs her head in her hands
as he sits down beside her.
Speechless they are,
though their thoughts couldn't be louder.

Going over and over their unsound situation.
But not a word could be said as they sit in his bed
Where they got carried away and created this mess.

How one little kiss that led to the rest
could ruin their lives in a minute or less.

She puts her head in his hands and he strokes her brown hair,
we'll figure this out, no reason to doubt,
we're in this together, I'll be here forever.

Three months pass by and she's starting to grow
a rose in her stomach that soon she will hold.

Questions are asked but still they stay silent.
No decisions were made and still he did stay.
Held her hand when it hurt,
from the thorns on the stem.
Put his ear to her heart and sang her a song.

It mimicked her beat and helped her to sleep,
as he watched his young lover escape from reality.
She dreamed of their future and a three story house,
two cars in the driveway, no flowers to water.
Jobs that they love and candlelight dinner.
Just two happy people embracing each other.

Next morning they wake and come to a conclusion.
Sit their loved ones down,
as they stare in great confusion.
Not the reaction they had expected,
Not the outcome they had invisioned.

On their own in the cold, with no where to go.
They don't go to school, and they haven't a penny.
They need nothing and no one but the love that they share.
As they wait for that day when it all becomes clear.

A beautiful rose born from two beautiful roots.

Stuck.

I used to be more creative, when there was constant drama in my life. Now that it's gone, I have nothing to write about. Don't get me wrong, I love being in love. But I find it difficult to write happy lovey dovey poems. They all sound like shit. I can't adequately put into words how I feel about my present love. I guess my creativeness thrives off of heartache and hatred, even with photography. I can't fake it. I haven't been able to write a decent poem since I fell into his arms. Since I took a leave of absence from school, I've just been drinking and doing boring things. I haven't picked up a pen to write a single thing down. Maybe because nothing has come to mind. My camera has been packed away. I have a least a dozen rolls of undeveloped film. I'm just stuck, I need a little push.

A word if you will.

I'm not too sure if anyone reads this stuff, but I'll say this one thing anyway.
Most of these poems were written a while ago, under different circumstances, when I had different feelings.
Although, I admit, at the time, the feelings were sincere. Just moving on. Fell in love and I'm quite content.

Miles Apart

i count the raindrops as they fall
one two three, beat beat beat
each breath i take, my heart beats faster
and the rains coming down harder than ever
looking up at the night sky, i see the same damn stars as you
miles between us and hours away
but you're my first thought, my first thought of each and every day

i count my heart beats and whisper your name
each morning i wake, spread my arm out to feel for you
but the cold sheets touch my fingertips
and it lets me know today will be as empty as yesterday


my brain moves faster than my lips can dare to move
carefully conveying each delicate syllable
but these words cant portray anything close to what i feel

heart's beating faster still and I'm shaking
I used to know my way out of here, but I'm lost.
my skin is bruised and my bones are breaking
My body is collapsing but it's yours for the taking

open your heart, let me in from the cold
put me back in your arms
give me your hand to hold

your hand clutches mine and it feels so nice
the world disappears and im right where im supposed to be
dancing with you under van goghs mulberry tree.
then suddenly you stop and tell me im dreaming,
the wind carries me away and you stand there staring.

we live in two seperate worlds now,
we stand in different geographies.
but the longing will always persist,
and your kiss is the only kiss i will forever miss.

A Secret Jar

Some summers are just better than others

Some summers you can’t get back

I remember you and the way we were;

what we had then are now all the things we lack.

So then where does that love go?

Does it float away and vanish into thin air?

Or is it kept locked up in a secret jar in a secret room somewhere?

Waiting for the right time to be opened.

Wait, weight

They mean the same to me.

Both so heavy a word.

But I contradict myself and go on waiting with this weight on my shoulders

Weighting for next summer.. Waiting for us.

Tell me, do you weight too?

or has the love I’ve longed for vanished like the air?

Tell me that can’t be true.

That you've seen in your dreams our bottled up love in that secret jar in that secret room

With our names written on tape that says in caps:

Don’t throw away;  perhaps they'll be back for this.

Uncovered

Oh the restless nights,
makes my body ache
Forever reminded of something I hate.

Oh the constant clenching
of my jaw and my fists.
The repetitive notion
that we'll never exist.

Though we may perhaps
in the imminent future

If the shoreline touches the horizon,
And the songs of the birds were truer.
Or the morning was dusk,
and the sunset, dawn.
And the deaths of our friendships were fewer.

But the future is far and my heart is near,
For the love that we have may soon disappear.

We may tell the world we are lovers.

If the elephants shrank
and the mice became giants.
And each man became rich
with every heart he desires.
Or the cities were suburbs,
and the countries were cubicles.

But the world doesn't care,
and the days pass by,
Each boy that I kiss,
every word from my lips,
All the affection I give,
Couldn't be more of a lie
if I tried.

I could cry I'm so shameless,
so careless and cold.
For they mean nothing to me and their stories are old.

Two souls,
Two hearts,
Two lovers uncovered.
This will be the day I no longer suffer.