such was my heart

Vulnerable, was my heart

when you so knocked on my door.

I'm not ready said my head,

but my heart let you in.

Into my home, into my skin.

Detached and in shambles,

you promised a brighter future..

a new home together.

In love again and the hatred washed away.

In love was my heart,

In life I was happy.

But it didn't take long

for you to break it all down.

Burned to the ground.

Destroyed was my heart.

And it took me some time

to build my home back up.

An ongoing struggle,

a full time agony.

And now I've grown strong,

but I won't be for long.

Weak was my heart

and I gave into the dust.

To feel something other than pain.

When all I need is to trust..

In myself-

not you or the others.

for I will never be vulnerable again.

Hatred overbears any sort of love.

Makes me strong for a short while..

But my fate knows I'm fucked.

Caving in yet again

what else can I do

when I say it's the last time,

I know that's not true.

I can lie to myself but never to you.

Empty was my heart,

high was my mind.

Trying to forget a love so unkind.

A temporary fix,

a beautiful sky.

They said it'd be quick

but I think I might cry.

Time and time again

I float in, I sink down.

Down to the bottom

of my deepest despair.

And you say that you care

but you can't help me up.

When all I need is a hand

and a little of your love.

To just get me through

another day of disgust.

To the world I was distant.

To my family, cold.

And myself, I was sold

on the good life, 

or so I was told.

Numb was my heart,

blank was my mind.

Where did it start?

What did I find?

It tore my life apart.

Though it never really was together.

But I was getting along,

I was humming my song.

And it didn't take long

for you to break it all down.

Burned to the ground.

And now all that surrounds me is hate.

I desire a blank page,
a clean slate,
a pure heart,
with you erased.

I wish you could blow away
like the leaves in the Fall.
Fall to the ground
and be stepped upon
by each passerby.
And decompose into the earth,
never to return.
Freeze in the Winter.
So cold just like your heart.

But the inevitable cycle continues.
You surface to the top
by Springtime's rain, and Summer's sun.

And there you are again.
This constant struggle to rid you from my brain,
circles back as the seasons change.

Life has a funny way of showing that everything's going to be okay.

I need ten thousand cigarettes
and ten thousand glasses of wine
and ten thousand opiates
and ten thousand knives
to maybe get you off my mind.

"It scares me to death"
that you're still in my head.

How many more days of this,
because I can't take one more minute.
Get the fuck out.

Inside, you reside.

Somewhere inside my body,
lies that sunken, upset feeling.
Almost like a habitat in which you are dwelling.

No you do not give me those butterflies
nor that loving satisfaction.

Your presence has come to ache;
comes from the inside out,
and leaves me with physical pain.

Your exact location is still unknown,
but I seem to have a lead.

I feel it most strongly inside my heart;
where I said you'll always be.


And some days you venture
into the depths of my stomach,
making me ill.

Scratching at my insides
with your sharp blade-like fingernails.
Shouting at the top of your lungs,
"LOVE DON'T LIVE HERE ANYMORE!"
that travels to my head.

Apple-throat.
You snip my vocal chords.
Words fail me now.
And silence becomes me.

You will never understand my suffering.
Though you are the sole provider.

Unknowingly hurting me every day.
When all I want is for you to vacate.
Tomorrow?

Ten Years

Ten years you said,
ten years I agreed.

Goodbye we said,
ten years we'll dread.

I still love you I said.
We can't you said.
You promised, I whispered,
in your ear so sweet.

I lost it you said.
That love is surely dead..
in my ear.. so sweet.

I cry, you laugh.
I scream, you ignore.
I love, you forget.
A promise un-kept.

thoughts on today

What do you want?
To be ignored?
Or do you want sympathy?
I give you attention,
you show no affection.
What the fuck do you need?
My shoulder?
Take my body, it's yours.
I don't want it anymore.
My soul?
you've had that for years..
My dreams, my thoughts...
is that what you want?
well I'm selling them by the dozen.
Aren't you lucky.
Nothing is ever enough.
Not for you.
I give you this, but you wanted that.
You guess it will do for now.
And it's almost as if you're saying,
"You know what? I'm going to pretend I care."

And I'm going to pretend I don't love you.
Fuck you.